Dr. David Anthony Palmer, Ed.D.
It’s 7:45 AM, and chaos has erupted. A child is melting down because the blue cup they wanted is in the dishwasher. Meanwhile, a local high school classroom erupts as a student shouts and throws a pencil across the room after struggling with an assignment. In both cases, you feel your patience thinning and wonder:
Why is this happening?
What am I doing wrong?
These moments—loud, raw, and overwhelming—can feel like you’re navigating a storm without a map.
But these storms are not the end of the story. They’re opportunities to guide, connect, and build resilience.
The key is understanding what’s really going on and how to respond in a way that fosters growth—for both the child and yourself.
Parenting or teaching a child with emotional dysregulation and behavior challenges can feel like navigating a storm. You might find yourself questioning your approach, their emotions, or even your relationship.
But here’s the thing: a lot of the frustration comes from common misconceptions that hold us back from truly understanding and supporting these exceptional and amazing kids.
As I reflect on my own parenting and teaching journies, I can think of 5 big misconceptions I've had or that I've heard going around that keep us from truly embracing and engaging with our children and students, especially if they are neurodivergent. Let’s unpack the five biggest misconceptions and explore how to do better—together.
Misconception #1: “They’re just trying to get attention.”
What’s really happening:
Kids with emotional dysregulation are a majority of the time aren’t throwing tantrums or acting out for attention in the manipulative way we sometimes assume. Their behaviors are often cries for help or a sign that they’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope. Emotional meltdowns happen because their brains are in overdrive—they’re not being difficult; they’re experiencing difficulty.
How to do better:
Shift your mindset from “attention-seeking” to “connection-needing.” When your child or student is struggling, instead of reacting with frustration, try reflective listening: “It seems like you’re feeling really upset because things didn’t go how you wanted. Can you tell me more?” This lets them feel seen and understood—a key first step to de-escalating the situation.
Misconception #2: “They need to be disciplined more.”
What’s really happening:
This is a big one when speaking with parents and teachers from previous generations. While boundaries are important, heavy-handed discipline often backfires with emotionally dysregulated kids. As parents, my wife and I have learned this the hard way. Often, children are not intentionally defying you—they’re struggling to regulate their emotions and behaviors in the moment. Punishment without understanding only adds shame to the equation.
How to do better:
Instead of focusing solely on consequences, prioritize repair after the meltdown. If you reacted poorly, model accountability: “I’m sorry I got frustrated earlier—I’m working on staying calm too.” This teaches kids that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we’re willing to repair and grow from them.
Misconception #3: “They’ll just grow out of it.”
What’s really happening:
This can sometimes travel with the dismissive, "kids will be kids." Emotional regulation is a skill—and like any skill, it needs to be taught and practiced. Emotional regulation is not a natural skill and even more challenging for children with neurodivergent brains. Assuming a child will simply “grow out of” emotional dysregulation overlooks the importance of guiding and supporting them in developing healthy coping mechanisms.
How to do better:
Be proactive in teaching emotional literacy. Help kids name their emotions (“You seem really disappointed right now”) and brainstorm coping strategies together (“Next time you feel this way, what could we try to help you feel calmer?”). Regular practice strengthens their ability to manage emotions over time.
Misconception #4: “They’re fine now, so we don’t need to talk about it.”
What’s really happening:
After an emotional storm, kids might appear calm—but inside, they may still be wrestling with guilt, shame, or confusion about what happened. I know I was like that growing up. If we skip the repair process, those lingering feelings can undermine trust and connection. It can also teach kids unhealthy ways to deal with conflict (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn).
How to do better:
Repair is essential. Once your child or student is calm, take a moment to reflect together. Summarize what you observed: “You were really frustrated earlier because the plan changed, and that was hard for you.” Offer reassurance: “We all have tough moments, but I’m proud of how you’re trying.” Repair builds resilience and reinforces that relationships can withstand conflict.
Misconception #5: “They’re being disrespectful on purpose. (And I will not tolerate any form of disrespect!)"
What’s really happening:
When a child is emotionally dysregulated, their brain is operating from a place of survival—fight, flight, or freeze mode. They’re not thinking logically or intentionally being disrespectful; they’re reacting instinctively to what feels like a threat or overwhelming situation.
How to do better:
Stay calm and regulate your own emotions first. Instead of reacting to the perceived disrespect, try responding with empathy: “It seems like you’re feeling really upset. Let’s take a break and figure this out together.” Modeling calmness helps co-regulate their emotions and shows them how to navigate conflict more constructively.
The Power of Repair with Dysregulated Kids
Emotional meltdowns can leave behind a trail of guilt or shame, especially for kids. They might act out one minute and then come to you crying the next because they feel terrible about what happened. Repairing trust after the storm is essential to maintaining connection and teaching resilience.
Why does repair work?
It shows that relationships can withstand conflict. It teaches kids that their worth isn’t defined by their toughest moments. And it deepens your bond, showing them that love and understanding are constant—even in the stormiest times.
3 Simple Action Steps for Parents and Teachers
Reflective Listening
After the meltdown, summarize what they’ve shared to show you understand their emotions. For example, say, “You were feeling really frustrated because things didn’t go the way you expected.” This helps them feel seen and valued.
Offer a Brief Apology
If your reaction during the meltdown wasn’t ideal, own it. Apologizing models accountability and reassures them that mistakes are part of learning. You could say, “I’m sorry I got frustrated earlier—I’m working on staying calm too.”
Provide Reassurance
Remind them of your unconditional support and their ability to grow. Say something like, “We all have tough moments, but I’m proud of how you’re trying.” This reinforces their resilience and strengthens your connection.
My coaching is designed to empower parents and teachers with the tools and confidence they need to navigate these challenging moments. Through practical strategies, emotional support, and a focus on fostering connection, I help you build skills that not only address immediate struggles but also lay the groundwork for long-term resilience and thriving relationships. Together, we create a roadmap that aligns with your unique needs, helping you feel more equipped and supported every step of the way. In the end, everyone wins by growing resilient so they can thrive in any situation or struggle.
So, the next time you’re supporting an emotionally dysregulated child, remember: It’s not about fixing them; it’s about walking alongside them with patience, empathy, and a commitment to repair. Together, you’ll build a foundation for thriving resilience—one storm at a time.
Join Our Upcoming Webinar:
From Calm to Chaos
Are you a parent or teacher looking for effective ways to support neurodivergent children during emotional storms? We invite you to our upcoming webinar, From Calm to Chaos, taking place on February 8th and 11th.
What You Will Learn
In this insightful session, you will discover:
Three empowering strategies to help neurodivergent kids navigate their emotions.
Practical tools to create a supportive environment during challenging times.
Ways to foster resilience and emotional regulation in children.
Why Attend?
Understanding and supporting neurodivergent children can be challenging, especially during emotional upheavals. This webinar will equip you with the knowledge and skills needed to make a real difference in their lives.
Details of the Webinar
Date: February 8th and 11th
Format: Online Webinar
Target Audience: Parents and Teachers
Register Now!
Don't miss this opportunity to empower yourself and the neurodivergent children in your care. Register now to secure your spot!
We look forward to seeing you there!
209-800-4637
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